Labour of Love

it really is so much easier said than done.
and many times,
the heart is willing but the flesh is weak.
tempting sometimes to just take and take,
and thinking that its okay not to give back,
or give back very minimally.
but like any human being,
there is no free lunch around.
and it sure is ironic isn't it,
that even for something that should come about effortlessly,
has to be laboured for, and earned.

definitely there'll be happy joyous times,
birthday anniversaries and end of examinations.
but who are we to prevent the quarrels disagreements and angst
that come ever so sudden,
like an earthquake that trembles the world.
its not fair that one person always forgives,
when we know that both cant forget.

Contradictory as it may seems,
to me it is always during the celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries
that makes me ponder about the relationships i share with people,
whether my role has been well played, and if i've been a letdown.
the shame which would sink in when the truth that i've been a bad person exposes,
lingers on for days, making me think if i should carry on doing what i do,
and whether my existence was a rational objective one.

i am not perfect
and i have probably more flaws than the hair on my head.
i am human and i fall into wrong sometimes.
but what. is. wrong?
i blurred the lines between right and wrong
little too many times.
i do not know what i should be believing in anymore.
to follow the heart, or the mind?
i really am lost.

did i take on a task which is more overwhelming than i can handle?
have i overestimated myself once again to thinking i can, when i cant?
would i be letting people down in this process,
such that the longer i take to decide, the more people i'll hurt?

i'd rather be selfish,
than heartless.