1 Partridge in a Pear Tree refers to the True Love of God
2 Turtle Doves refers to the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds refers to the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings refers to the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming refers to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids A-milking refers to the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing refers to the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping refers to the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping refers to the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

How amazing! Never knew it had such an origin.
See how much we've commercialized Christmas and swept its true meaning away.
Its such an amazing song!

Back to back.
You have got to be kidding me big time.

Been staying at home since sunday night,
and only been out of house once for a run.
Not bad, not bad.
My ideal version of a hiatus,
though not exactly one
since i'm perpetually on my laptop and my phone.
But home has the ease of access to
toilet, food, teevee and internet.
What more to ask for?
Haha.
Not forgetting a box of Royce Champagne Chocolates to top it off.
Ah, life is blissful.
Heehee.

Sam is returning home today!
We are so close to having a full reunion, but so tough.
Wonder how aggie is doing over at Tilburg.
Rachel wont be around for CNY,
and it will seem weird.

Thank God for giving me good friends to miss.
That i will treasure them even more.
Yes Lizz.
You all are gonna be my bridesmaid one day too!
<3 <3

“'Well,' said Owl, 'the customary procedure in such cases is as follows.'


'What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?'
said Pooh. 'For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me.'


'It means the Thing to Do.'


'As long as it means that, I don’t mind,' said Pooh humbly.'”


– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh, 1926

dont you just love winnie the pooh (:

the previous post was a little to angry,
because i could not believe the extent.

but this time,
it's exasperated.
exams are coming.
essays and presentations are still persisting.
):

Prof mentioned how the release of an Israeli prisoner and how he was lauded was overrated,
and yet no mention about Abu Ghraib.

Hmm interesting, i wonder what kind of a place Abu Ghraib is.
Only to know that it would capture me the whole day.

This prison camp situated in Iraq detains Iraqis who are suspected to be dangerous,
and can be detained without proper trial and treated as the US military deemed fit.

Awful awful accounts i tell you.
I feel so indignant for the Iraqi victims.
Are they not humans as well?
Why is every bearded Middle Easterner labeled as dangerous?

Americans just convinced the world that they really are stupid, apathetic and ambivalent
about everything around the world.
Ironic how the world revolves around them.
Their only saving grace are really those few who dare to speak up about the heinous crimes of the Abu Ghraib.

How could they be so cruel to harm innocent civilians and treat them like dogs.
To force upon them acts that are immoral and dirty.
These Iraqis have done nothing wrong.
They just want a peaceful life. Why must the Americans come and wreck their peace.

Soldiers have been so motivated to stay and fight war in the Middle East,
because the ass of a bush tells the people that Iraq is at fault.
But not ALL Iraqis isnt it.
And who are you to say that people are insurgences and detain them,
inflicting upon them those torturous acts which makes YOU yourself no better than an insurgent.
And what happens at the end of the day?
Those people aren't really insurgents.

Recounting interviews from military police within Abu Ghraib who they themselves got traumatized,
people who were tortured were not because they posed as a threat of terrorism or the likes.
They were people who were taxi-drivers and commoners.
At most, they were car thieves, who definitely do not deserve this shit.

These people under siege,
are God-fearing people who have not done anything wrong.
Why do their families need to be broken?
Not just the men detained,
women are also put into prisons.
Why can't they live a life of peace and simplicity?
These people, some hardly even educated,
how could they fathom what a bomb even is?

My heart really goes out to these people,
the forgotten nation,
the abandoned civilization.
And yet there is nothing I can do.
While those people who can do something to change things for the better,
and taking the back seat with nonchalance.
Why must this happen?

News everywhere today speaks sorrow.
Bad news sell. Yes.
But i rather it no news than bad news.
Natural disasters are tragic enough,
why do people want to churn out more tragedy?

Why cant people love,
and not uphold stereotypes of other people?
Why must there be discrimination?
Why does there have to be segregation of white and colour people?
When actually, come to think of it, white people aren't white,
they are pink.
Why are people who are not affected not doing anything?
I ask myself.

But what can I do?
I'm but a nobody.
But so is that American soldier who is pushing his weight around
and exploiting the under-fed and maltreated Iraqis
who have not done anything.
Their only fault was probably the fact that they haven't received proper education
that could possibly help them fend for themselves.
But then again,
why couldn't they receive proper education?
Because of inequality.
Because of manipulation.
Rich get richer,
poor get poorer.
Where's all the oil?
Where's all the gold?
If they are everywhere,
then why is poverty proliferating concurrently?

My heart and head is aching,
feelings of empathy and fear overwhelms me.
I want to help,
but i know i cant, and i don't dare to as well.
Lord, come down and save the poor people.
They will only listen to you.

Is it normal that I'm feeling this way?

i attended the feast day mass today in church.
obligated to at first cos i volunteered to read.
but it really turned out to be a blessing.
the invited priest gave this new idea that i never had
prior to his sermon.

he asked us to,
instead of being envious, jealous, upset, resentful
of what our brothers and sisters have that we dont;
or what they might have done to us,
to treat it all as a blessing.
sounds tough?
not impossible.
how?
he gave a relevant example,
and i shall try to use my own life story to give another example.

i have a very good friend since i was 13.
well we didnt start out as good friends.
loggerheads in fact, half the time.
and it was ironically after we went to separate schools that we got closer.
we are now closer than ever,
and is no surprise when we drop random texts to each other.
yet, there has always been this innate envy i had of her.
her ability to do reasonably well and excel to heights above my own,
made me feel many a times,
inadequate and inferior.
never did told her as i thought it was never important.

but i guess after today's sermon,
i am determined to use that as a blessing instead.
possible definitely.
to have this friend,
as an inspiration,
to ask her when i need help.
and to believe that when i do well,
she will be there to share my joys.

makes me smile a little bit more.

was listening to class95 while driving
and the DJs were sharing the top 3 things that made them smile today.
for me, the above is very well one point.
lets think about another 2.

i went to the supermarket with my sister
and bought many sweets and treats for my brother.
it was his birthday yesterday.
and though it wasnt the easiest to find "non-coloring" and "non-flavouring"
sweets since he was allergic to these additives,
it turned out to be an enjoyable time shopping with my sister
and making small stupid senseless talks,
as always

going to church
before mass started,
i bumped into friends i havent met for a long time
and the feeling was warm and familiar.
even the sarcastic small talks we made
cracked me up.
thats the wonder of these church people.
speaking of which,
as i am typing this
one church friend just came online
and is initiating a conversation now.
shall try to catch up a little

thank God for sending messengers to help me smile (:

brand new day
brand new start
brand new hope
brand new life

so so so many things to say,
but speechless when it actually happened.
looking around mrt train, shopping malls, supermarkets worked,
i finally saw you again.
tiring but worth it,
because you walked my way.
yet, how long more before it can change things to how they were.
would it even be possible?
sickkkk, i hate the feeling of being left hanging.

oh wait. you didnt leave me hanging,
you already left me

elizabeth tan hui fen
please come back soon.
there is a reason why you live in kovan
i miss talking to you
):

dont even know why i'm up all the nights.
hoping for your something that might not even come, anymore.
but i'm still waiting,
that perhaps one day something might happen.

i am really lost now.
everyday is utterly without meaning.
i walk on the streets and wonder if i will see you.
walk in the mall and wonder if i'll bump into you.
take the train and wonder if i will meet you.
wander in the crowds, until i get nauseous because there are so many people,
but the one that i so badly want to see is nowhere in sight.
so near yet so far.
everything i do reminds me of you, somehow.

its tiring, and despairing.
embarrassing sometimes.
to suddenly find myself crying on the train,
get all unbearable and people think i'm crazy.
i am.
does it ever get better?
i cant remember when was the last time i felt this way.
or if ever, i felt this way.

how are you doing, dear?

Dear God.
How long more?

I don't care what she says.
You can be out of sight,
but will never be out of my mind.
Ever.

I was too caught up in proving my self righteousness,
I forgot that I'd left you behind.
I am sorry. I really am. Really really am.

千言万语, 尽在不言中

Today's been a thought and emotion provoking day.
Highlight of these weeks is needless to say, the elections.
And that was exactly what I faced with the moment I exited lorong chuan mrt to go tuition.
Super funny how pap tried to advise ppl to "exercise your vote wisely" through a PA system by lorry,
But there wasn't any MP on the lorry? Strange but true.
Why is it that, the last I rmb was, MPs would be on the lorry waving to ppl on the road?
Oh. I know.. The MPs in white don't do lorries anymore, they do it in luxurious automobiles with a sun roof.
Haha. My grandfather told me one MP tried to get up from the sunroof to greet the people but got stuck half way cos her stomach was too big.
Geez :/
However my point really isn't to mock the white contenders.
But I can't help but think, why they so bo xim to use PA system only?
Maybe it's cos this is GCT's territory, so they're quite confident in winning against fresh out of the over nicole and gang?
Hmmmm.. Not sure uh.
I don't know what to sAyyyy *stamps feet like a clown*

Went novena after tuition, and it was humid hot, which makes it really baddd.
What made my walk to church even worse was when I saw
An old lady on wheelchair taking a lunchbreak from selling tissue,
And she was so frail and hands so weak, she had to use her wrists to clasp unto a styrofoam cup to drink.
That point of time, I grapsed the true essence of "moved to tears".
She's really determined to live amidst these trials,
And the little meagre help she was receiving.
I was furious by the time I entered church.
What is the govt doing!?
How on earth is this welfare benefits to the pioneers of our country?
They really are doing themselves a disfavour by having so many of such elderly wandering on the streets.

Political awakening of some sort I reckon?
Of course I'm not as upz as nicole seah.
But I was very agitated when I was in novena square after service.
Old people at the entrance distributing flyers;
Serving not even as cashiers or waiters,
but those to clear waste after ppl have eaten;
Toilet janitors;
And more.
Note that I say "old ppl" and not "elderly".
I've always felt that elderly refers to 50plus early 60s,
and old people are those seriously aged in their late 70s to 80s.
What, is the govt doind, really?

Reading my two friends' blogs this night has enlightened me,
and inspired me to post a happy post,
for once uh huh.

exams are creeping up so soon, but i'm so passive and unprepared!
no drive no drive.
there's this inner struggle within me,
the impulse to spend a lot, on myself.
the thought of wanting to pamper myself all over again.
i want Macbook,
i want holiday to bkk,
i want shopping,
i want moolah.
can think, cannnot have. urggg.
that's always the case right.
where enough is never enough.
we always want the sky, but dont dare to admit it.

lastly and most importantly,
i want to keep eating and never grow fat.
the mouth cant seem to stop ingesting food,
even though i'm super full,
or even when the food isnt even nice :/
let's just hope its an "exam" thing (though i highly doubt)

How have you been?
Today, something very ridiculously funny, but exciting happened to me.
You were the first person I thought of,
and the only person I wanted to tell.
But it didn't really seem possible.
You know,
there will always be some things,
that you are exclusive to.
And no one else, really..

I asked myself: what is the reason for people getting into relationships?
Because a relationships can create so much problems and animosities between two people
who are supposedly to be on good terms all year round, or so it suggests.
Then i realize that the things that drives couples to persevere for however long they last are essentially,
love and happiness.
They are mutually exclusive in fact.
Yet you cant do without either one in a relationship.
At least that is for my case.
What is the point of trying so hard to love when it seems like happiness seems so unreachable?
All i ever wanted, was to be happy, in love.
but the scale was tipped, and now:
can only be in love, but not happy.
This equation is thus flawed, and makes it difficult for the both to carry on.
We have so much love for each other,
so many good memories that we hold so dearly to.
Even if we want to erase them out, it is impossible
because of (practically all) the places where we've left our footprints,
we revisit them constantly.
Dont have to look too far, for school is one place.
So because i love you so much,
all i really want is for you to be happy.
but you are not happy with me.
so it means that i cannot bring you the happiness you deserve
and hence you, really should free yourself from this torment.
i love you and want the best for you.
but since i cant be the best you can get, how can i allow you to settle for something less?
I cant fully move on because everyday i think and think and think,
what if what if what if.
but i know that for each day that i can imagine myself standing infront of you not knowing the right words to say,
i will not talk to you and make a fool of the two of us.
for each day that passes, the skies are turning grayer,
for each night that passes, the winds are getting stronger.
its not the body that is getting cold,
but the heart.

I love you enough to give you up so that you can be happy again.

all was fine just one week back.
i am so fked up.

Does this how freedom smells like?
Its not as fragrant as I thought.
There is something missing,
Like a somewhat familiar scent that
Has completely vanished.
I hate to admint, but
Its like somethting I need to have
In my life.

Else it just seems so wrongly empty..

am i doing it right,
am i doing it wrong.
i have no idea.
this is something i've never done before
and never dared to.
but i'm just tired.
so tired for now.
need to get my energy back.

you are tired as well.
how i've made you suffer with me
though you dont deserve.
miss you miss you so.

please eat your meals properly.
that is so important,
pains me to know if you get gastric.

I keep dialling, it never got through. But I still keep dialling.
What a fool, what a joke..
How to stop thinking? Can't stop. Can't stop.

Le le. I was walking home from the mrt and was under your house.
Like so tempted to shout from the bus stop.
But of course I didn't. Don't wanna over do it.
Feel like crap all day today.
The ultimatum climaxed when jac dropped the polaroid cam,
My heart sank. I was so scared.
What if something bad happened to one of the last gift from you to me?
My heart.. So heavy..
So tired, so dreary.
So in need of you.

Because i wanna be with you in the future, forever..
Even if I am dying to see you now, I will control myself.
This feeling is awful. But at least, I know it will be worth it

Did I hear you right
cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
And when I hold you your almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you I'm close to tears
'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

I really really still love you a lot a lot.
What is my world now?
I am not strong, really.

Polar told me I'd be fine, and that I am much stronger than this. But it only occurred to me there and then, that you'd been with me for such a long time, I have long forgotten how to be strong on my own. How to move ahead and be strong when the key to my engine is gone.

How to say, so many things in my mind, and in my box. To forget and move on (ever), is impossible. Why couldn't I just be more calm yesterday.

Come back to me, with all your heart
Don't let fear keep us apart
Trees do bend, though straight and tall
So must we, to others call
Long have I waited for your coming home to me
And living deeply our new life

This song was written by Hosea, a man in the bible.
His wife committed adultery with other men,
But God gave him the strength to forgive her and want her back.
She didn't repent for a long time,
but he carried on waiting for her,
to come back and live deeply their new life.

Isn't this sweet?

I'm at the polyclinic now and I see an old lady pushing her husband on the wheel chair, tired but eager.

mind's a mess now. dont know whether this is going to be the real one.
it feels like it but i am so. not. ready.
it was totally unexpected.
why, was there nothing we couldnt work out anymore?

i dont believe i wont change.
i will.
and when the time comes when i finally can,
i will find you back.

all i ask, and will ever ever ask of you is just this one last request.
why do you say no?

i miss you. i miss you so so so much.

wo bu kuai le

:'(

Thank you.
If you're still single by 26,
Marry me will you?
I'm serious.

please keep my favourite polaroid well.
it's irreplaceable, just like you.

I've been selfish because I don't want us to boil down to nothing.

A part of me wants to find you tomorrow, really.
But I know I can't, so..

i tried, talking to you. so much.
and you judge me merely based on pictures.
i dont know what to say.
maybe i should follow your orders, and stop.

回头吧不要走不要这样离开我
恨太多没结果往事重提是折磨

Hao xin fen shou?

Well, you succeeded.
You asked how and what must you do so that you can get back and even with me right?
Its coming true. I feel the pinch now.
I miss you like crazy now, and you refuse to talk to me.
How long do I have to endure this?

Le, they say that in order to neutralize the alcohol effect in your body
its good to take acidic stuff to balance out.
like lime or lemon.
but i think you'll just cringe right.
eat orange or something okay.
i learnt during sports ball that cheese can make you less wasted too,
but you dont like cheese!
ohwell.
haha mogu mogu mango is not bad =)

is there really no way out?

One last thing, so important how could I forget!!
Please take care tomorrow and don't get drunk.
But don't worry. I'm always here I promise you..

Figured that you're not gonna talk to me.
I know it's your right to avoid me,
and wish to have nothing to do with me.
I would, if I were you.
So I guess virtual reality is the best and only way I can convey
my one sided thoughts to you.
Which honestly, is more than I can ask for,
If you even still read this blog of mine.
I will use this blog to talk to you, all the days that you ignore me.
This blog will be my best friend,
My only tool of communicating with you.
And that's cos I never treasured the real moments I had you by my side.
Foolish rowena.

Just wanna tell you that today as I was walking back,
There was this huge cockroach at the flats!
I walked past it. Are you proud of me, still?
And when I reach home, I realize my mum baked pineapple tarts already!
Wanna take some to you,
but don't know if they'll still be fresh by then.
Oh well. Chinese new year's coming so soon.
Guess what, I'm starting on my tutorials this week already.
Nat's vibes are really getting to me :/

tata for now =)

I will try again..

I can't let go. I don't want to let go. Something tells me that I can't let go and I won't let go. I don't want to let goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Kill me please

i dont know if what i'm doing is correct,
but i know its the convenient way for me.
i dont know what my heart says,
i just know in my mind,
that i need to stop hurting you.
how else?
you wont believe me.
i think of you always,
your pig face is still on my mobile.
gosh.
this is not easy.
its my fault from the start.
i thank you for being gracious and loving,
and giving me the second chance which i should have treasured more.
but after monday night, i being a girl
cannot help but have my reservations.
its wrong to feel that way because our relationship means so much more than just that.
but i feel that i have become uncertain.
makes me wonder what will happen in future.

i say it is not true that i am like my "past".
my past haunts me in my mind to this very day.
my past was pure heartless,
doesnt blink even after doing wrong and been exposed.
i tried. i really tried.
i just cant find that flame back.
how can i continue if its just mere human effort i'm putting?
i'm not trying to justify.
i'm not telling you to stop blaming me.
i just hope you see my point of view.
i hate being hated.

i wanna learn to love you again.

Please don't walk out on me. Please. Please. Please, not like that. I want to make amends, I really am sorry. Please give me one last chance. That's all I ask of you. You don't need to do anything else. Let me do it. I wanna make things right again. I want to love you again. I want to show you that I can, and for us to really last for good. Please don't leave me alone. I can't do it myself. And I don't want to do it with anyone except you. I know I never should have done you wrong in the first place. I was childish and foolishly self-centered. All I ask, is this last opportunity to make good our relationship. Don't go. Please stay. Please.

My dear. I am sorry, and I never mean it more my whole life.

Dear diary. Thank God firstly, for sending me an angel these two years to walk with me and bring me abundant joy. I feel extremely comforted and loved by this angel, who has never complaint about my misdeeds.
But I was getting out of hand, and soon I began to feel the real need to treat my angel the way my angel has treated me. I fell from grace. I feel like if I am inferior, I do not deserve the angel. My angel should be released and free to be happy and bless the other people all around. People, who deserve my angel more than I do.
Now my angel is finally free, free to love and free to give. Hopefully to do so without and resentment and hatred from me. But I know I've hurt my angel a lot, very badly in fact. That's why I need to let go, to prevent more of such emotions from brewing.
Lord, please tell my angel that a very special position in my heart is reserved for my angel. It can never and will never be replaced. I don't want them replaced. I will keep all my memories of my angel close to my heart. How could I let something so special pass me by like that?
My angel might no longer be here, but I'll always be looking out of the window, amongst the crowd, and amidst my surroundings to have a peek at this dear angel of mine.
You're free, make love, not war.

I am sorry. You really, deserve nothing but the best. It's not me.

I don't really know why and how things turned out the way they have, but I want to thank you for being so very patient and enduring this whole time. It is an ordeal I know, to be going through something so tough and not knowing the reason behind it. I'm confused too. I hate myself for hurting you. You deserve so much better you know. I think about it all the time. But I just don't know the right things to say, to sound right. What's right, anyway.

Hello. How are you doing? I'm really fine thank you.