i stare up at the stars
looking for an answer.
but they just look back at me
shining at me in ignorance.
i need to find it back.

did it just rain?
i cant even feel it anymore.
chocolate cake or lemon cake?
haha okay. random.

temptation..
i am slacking too much..
rowena..
you need to study
study
study
study
roarr. i feel so numb. i dont want to study anymore.
but i still have five days and three years.
how how how.
strange, but true.

thinking bout you
thinking bout me
thinking bout us
what we gonna be
open my eyes
it was only just a dream

so i drive on back
down that road
will you come back
no one knows
i realize
it was only just a dream

brain is fried from reading durkheim.
will try to manage my time properly though.
i want to make this exam one with changed mindset.
i want to do it with a purpose.
for the people around me with so much hope.
my parents and grandparents.
they are people i have taken for granted for far too long.
its now time to pay back,
what i can do for them.

want to thank God for yesterday..

letting the timeline for everything planned flow so smoothly.
finding such an ideal box to store the presents.
making the weather so awesomely fine and nearly flawless!
placing such an fantastiv museum next to a fine eatery.
for the lovely riverside view and breeze.
the sun that gave us a little tan.
delectable food that filled us to the brim!
delicious cake made by the awesome!
grrrreat staff staff service through out!
letting us make it for the movie in good time.
lovely stroll down orchard road in bright shining lights!
adorable escort send me home.

thank God, what more can i ask for? (:

THANK YOU FATHER.
THANK YOU JESUS.
THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT.
THANK YOU MOTHER MARY.

when those trials come, my human nature
shouts the things to do.
and God's soft prompting can be
easily ignored.

i see where my problem lies now.
those weeks that i just sweep God under my carpet,
they are hitting back at me now.
what a harsh punishment God,
i feel the pain, dilemma and confusion.
i'm tired of weighing the pros and cons.
why must they come to me all at one go?

the mind plays weird tricks on you.
the devil plants evil thoughts in you.
the body allows sin and temptation to manifest.
i am such a lost child.
just when i thought that all my woes are gone
and life can start afresh,
a new set of problems appear.

time to come away and let God.

To you i come,
before you i stand,
sinful and sorrowful.
Mother of the word incarnate,
despise not my petition.
But in your mercy,
hear and answer me Amen.

Labour of Love

it really is so much easier said than done.
and many times,
the heart is willing but the flesh is weak.
tempting sometimes to just take and take,
and thinking that its okay not to give back,
or give back very minimally.
but like any human being,
there is no free lunch around.
and it sure is ironic isn't it,
that even for something that should come about effortlessly,
has to be laboured for, and earned.

definitely there'll be happy joyous times,
birthday anniversaries and end of examinations.
but who are we to prevent the quarrels disagreements and angst
that come ever so sudden,
like an earthquake that trembles the world.
its not fair that one person always forgives,
when we know that both cant forget.

Contradictory as it may seems,
to me it is always during the celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries
that makes me ponder about the relationships i share with people,
whether my role has been well played, and if i've been a letdown.
the shame which would sink in when the truth that i've been a bad person exposes,
lingers on for days, making me think if i should carry on doing what i do,
and whether my existence was a rational objective one.

i am not perfect
and i have probably more flaws than the hair on my head.
i am human and i fall into wrong sometimes.
but what. is. wrong?
i blurred the lines between right and wrong
little too many times.
i do not know what i should be believing in anymore.
to follow the heart, or the mind?
i really am lost.

did i take on a task which is more overwhelming than i can handle?
have i overestimated myself once again to thinking i can, when i cant?
would i be letting people down in this process,
such that the longer i take to decide, the more people i'll hurt?

i'd rather be selfish,
than heartless.

Say a prayer
the summer nights are dead
the fall is coming
we were careless hearts
who got caught up in this

you were shy
till the night you drove me wild
and you crashed into me
and i wont lie
i wish it lasted a lifetime

please stay
wont you stay
tonight

breathe in deep
and say goodbye
the saddest song i'll ever write
for anyone, anytime

breathe in deep
before i say
i can feel us slip away
you're almost gone
you're good as gone
august is over

now we wait
cause august had to end
all our bags are packed
just two broken hearts
that got caught up in this

i deny
that tomorrow you'll be gone
and so far from me
its something strange
never love the same way

please stay
wont you stay
tonight

breathe in deep
and say goodbye
the saddest song i'll ever write
for anyone, anytime

breathe in deep
before i say
i can feel us slip away
you're almost gone
you're good as gone
august is over

Was just having a chat with Nicholas,
and I realize that time is passing so fast.
We're all growing up and old.
All pre-occupied with our lives,
and experiencing such rapid changes!
I remember that exactly 2 years ago,
i did not look the way i look now,
talk the way i talk now,
live the life i live now.

Is now better?
i dont know.
maybe yes, because i have more spare time at my disposal to just waste it away,
or to earn more money?
but am i spending the time and money the way i really hope it is spent?
not meeting up with friends and just lazing at home,
or if not,
engaging my time and investing my efforts on people that i know i will probably not have contact with 5 years from now?
i feel that it really is a waste,
that the people i earnestly cherish,
you know who you are,
are not met up with to cultivate our friendships.
am i doing the right thing?
Or was one year ago better?
meeting up with people required energy effort and initiative.
but the results sowed were priceless. i dont deny that.
the smile on the faces,
and the stories shared.
they're something that i can never buy
on the store or anywhere in school.

everyone is so far away now.
even though i can text or say i miss you,
it doesnt mean anything anymore.
we're so caught up with whatever we're doing now,
we think that the need to catch up is secondary.
we're so immersed in our own sad stories or happy fairytales
that we forgot the existence of each other.

i wish i could be there for everyone like i used to be.
but you cant have your cake and eat it right?
there has got to be some form of giving in right?
some thing's got to sacrifice.
what will it be then?

work work work

i'm only waiting for two more weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3>

work finally started!!!!!

means sitting on chair and facing the comp

and getting fattttttttttt.

Someone believes in you, ME!

miss you already.
this feeling is awful.
things arent going to get better even after
the horrid exams because
then comes the work.
drats.
i shouldnt have picked a fight over such a
trivial matter.
i'm such an evil girl!!!

been wanting to show you this for some time,
so here it is,
for you!

thursday already.
havent done anything.
two readings only and i'm feeling nauseous.
gg.

this is just so weird.
i am able to control using facebook
(surprisingly right, i know)
but i am still unable to concentrate on studying!
embarrassing as it may seem,
i'm quite uncertain about what to study
because the scope is just so huge!
i was thinking.
even if i consistently did my readings since week 1,
i would have forgotten everything by this week!
what a tough course.
man.
haha.

Just checked my midterm results for 2 of my core mods.
the one that i totally didnt even bother lifting a finger to study,
i got a B+, amazing grace from God. thank god!
another one which i did bother lifting a finger,
i got C+.
zuaaa.. (dont ask me what that means)
is this a sign that all hope is not lost?
i remember last sem,
i scored D for one of the core mod and was damn afraid of dabao-ing.
but i got a B in the end. so fortunate.
i pray that things will go as smoothly this sem!
of course i'll need to study hard so that the results can be produced!
heh.

dont even know why i'm blogging when the only person reading this trash
probably already knows everything cos i just told you.
haha, and even if i didnt, is just a matter of time that you'd know.
i just like to type something on the keypad and have it published.
you know that sense of satisfaction to have your opinions heard and sounded out?
when you feel that nobody knows or bothers asking about your life,
typing it down and know that even if some random stranger reads it,
its considered somebody who actually bothers.

yes it is true that what we blog are nothing but memories, good and bad.
Good memories will be etched in my mind for good because simply,
they're good and memorable.
Bad memories should not stay in my mind because they're negative and
are not worth remembering.
but why stop blogging?
what makes you so sure you'll remember every good memory,
and forget the bad ones?
Wouldnt it be so wasted if one of the random acts of kindness that was done to you
once was totally forgotten because you could have blogged (and remembered) about it but you didnt?
and wouldnt it be also a pity if one of the bad memory occurred again in another instance, and turns out to be something you could have avoided had you recalled it in your memory or blog?

i don't know. just some thought that came to me an instant ago.
and yes,
trying to persuade you to blog again.
it could be fun.
hahaha when a day comes where nobody remembers our blog links anymore
except ourselves,
this could be our virtual hideout,
where we could blog and chat about nearly everything and anything
under the sky sun moon.
wouldnt it be nice?
(:

SHENG LE
who would have expected you to be in cahoots with my friends,
sneaking into my hall to plant all those surprises amidst
your busy project and school schedule.
exams are approaching and tensions are rising,
but you were still meticulous as ever in ensuring that my
birthday was not one that was mundanely celebrated.
for the three phases,
i am so delighted to see how each one uncovered itself
as your surprises streamed in throughout the whole of yesterday.
for coordinating with my sjc girls
and painstakingly ensuring that the surprise went smoothly such
that i wouldnt suspect anything.
ending up with such a blast as i was really surprised with the
turnout,
especially the grand finale in your room,
the banner of happy birthday and all the balloons,
and having you (And your roomie) to forgo your sleep,
yet occassionally being left out by me because
i was simply too caught up with catching up with my friends.
but still being there for me,
running up and down to find me a corkscrew so that
the wine can be drank.
i appreciate every small move.

for the xlb dinner, that was simply hilarious cos
i felt so unglam that i was eating like literally a pig in front of
you but was just to happy to bother because canteen B had been
depriving me for so long.
thanks for phase 2, and knowing me so well.
my heart really was lifted and relieved when i saw the invisible pen
instead of some real hardcore stuff.
which i will not forgiven myself if you'd really got me the real thing.
phase 2 brought me so much laughter.
thank you.

and who could forget phase 3,
playing the small amazing race brought back good memories,
though you failed to tell me the char shao bao story again.
but it was really sweet of you to go the extra mile and bothering to
surprise me this way.
being with you,
with all the highs and lows,
you never fail to amaze me.
the gift is lovely,
something i least expect from you.
never thought that what casual comments i said could actually
be so etched in your mind.
shows a lot my dear,
that you actually remembered.
truly truly blessed to have you.
love you long time.

i wanna say sorry for the really sudden moodswings that come,
that you had to sorely endure, though you totally dont deserve it.
i really dont know why i am sometimes like this.
even if i try to change,
it just seems innate in me?
okay they are probably just excuses.
but i hope that you'll understand that what i said and did
at that point of time,
was not intentionally meant to hurt you.
especially not on my birthday.
i hate myself for being so mean to you.
but i dont know how to say i'm sorry,
because this has happened so many times,
and i am afraid you'll probably be sick and tired of the same old
sorrys.
but i feel that if i dont say sorry,
i'll feel even worse inside.
because i dont want you to suffer alone and i want to be with you
for a long time.

for being a part of my life
<3

this birthday has been one hell of a blast.
really thankful that i have such wonderful environment
filled with people that have been God's gifts to me.
and not forgetting the gifts that i received from these people.
though many won't be reading this,
i still wanna say a big shout out.

firstly for family,
for taking time out on saturday and sunday to celebrate
with me and treating me no different from the past though
i must admit i've changed.
for being understanding towards the toll that school has brought me
but allowing me to go back school on sunday night since i've meeting
for HW111 on monday morning
even though you were reluctant.
love my mummy
and my sister too.
thanks for the f21 accessories and darkkkk chocolate!
you're one of those that really understand me!
wahaha

thanks to franksters,
for celebrating with me on my birthday eve.
bearing with me amidst my stressed out HW111 tension.
the cake dinner gift and movie.
though i some times MIA from you guys,
you all never neglected me
but still very warmly treat me
and i am thankful for it.
determined to make su17 a blast,
with you guys haha.

for friends for a thousand years,
thanks huimin laodie rachel aggie
and eliz (in spirit)
for coming all the way to malaysia ntu to come celebrate birthday with
me. the surprise really overwhelmed me and i am extremely
touched by the efforts you guys took in planning and
have everything set up.
this surprise- success!
haha though there were some glitches that i can totally
turn two blind eyes on.
you girls are the best.
being there whenever i need you guys/or not.
Hahaha justkiddingggg!
loveyouguysplentyyyyy!

for all the smses and facebook wishes,
i really appreciate the effort to even bother lifting your fingers
because i have to admit how lazy i can be sometimes to
do that for others :x
oops..
but many thanks for that.
especially to people i least expect.
wow.
i'm happy (:

and for roomie!
coming on the early wednesday morning,
and presented me with
72% Godiva chocolates!
woots woots!
how not to get high siaaaaa.
love you much also la.
despite my sometimes "mistreating" you.
haahaha damn, you're going to make me fattt.
but i like! hahah 72% ftw!

how not to be thankful for all i have,
and how much more can i ask for?

the first time in the longest that i TG that IF !!!
really thank God. the strength that was given to me.
though i got to admit i got rather angsty at many people
and i am sorry about that.
i am rather amazed that i am doing fine.
the only trying issue now is dry run on sunday.
scared or what sia.
i super long havent trained my stamina already.
confirm drag the team down.
a team of three,
and i'm the only girl. GGXX.

church visiting was ironic in the sense
that i was supposed to attain peace through it.
but i was so agitated with many things that i felt
peace, only after the whole thing :o
hmmmm i dont know.
maybe i should not look at people who didnt offered a helping hand,
but rather,
next time,
KNOW that whatever i cannot do,
dont act smart by taking it up,
assuming that somehow it can be worked out.
too ambitious.
for now.
i know i know.
some friends. when help is needed,
where are they?
beezee beezee bees.
like as if they are the only BZ ones.
just want to thank God for the strength given to me.
thanks sl for the patience,
with my everyday-change-and-change-until-i-really-dont-know-what-to-expect-the-next-minute kind of mood.
i hate myself sometimes.
and you are the gracious one,
living and letting live.
thanks man. (Y)
i dont think anyone else would be as patient as me as you are.
haha.
amidst these torrential period,
i did receive some compliments from different people.
people i never expected from.
which made my day occasionally.
bringing smile to the face.
though it is very tiring to smile all the time.

peace peace peace.
TGFSL! <3

i hate him.
i hate them.
stop thinking you are so right,
and that the whole bloody world should revoive around you.
just because you have no life and you
willing slave yourself to this shit,
dont implicate people who do have a life,
and want to live it to the fullest.
and just because you pledged yourself to HELL,
dont assume that others people are willing to do likewise.
you enjoy living this sad sad life,
good for you.
remain that way.
but i'm no you okay.
i want to live a life of wholesomeness.
i have my friends,
my church,
my family.
who are dear to me.
just because you are willing to forgo yours (wow, you actually have them..)
dont assume that other people carry the same mentality as you.
now as i think back,
i cannot believe that i even had the thought that living a life like yours
was good and fun.
ewwww utter turnoff.
you are exaggerated,
insecure,
and unreasonable.
you detest the life out of me totally man.
but i know that because i voluntarily signed up for your fking shit,
i mus keep my word and suck it up.
seeing your face makes me feel like throwing up.
you're worse than the disgusting girl i dislike in lecture.
than the weirdo i see on the streets.
than the whole world of odd creatures.
i still do work as told not because i respect you.
it is because i respect the authority that have been considerate and reasonable.
you have them to thank man.

and your stupid assistant the shit face.
whole day only know how to talk and yak and yak.
nothing more than an empty vessel.
my friend was right in the insult man.
you are only a clashing cymbal,
that makes nothing but noise that pollute my ears and
waste precious human time.
who knows not how to make yourself useful when you see us in trouble
and in need of help.
for all i know, you could be telling on us to him behind our backs.
but wtf
i dont care.
because i know that i have done and contributed more than you in this.
i can at least say i made the effort and have come thus far.
you?
whole day only know how to eat and eat and eat during meetings.
the only way you lose your calories is by lifting your fingers
to make phone calls to me,
chasing me for something that wouldnt have needed chasing,
should you have offered a helping hand earlier.
but whatever,
not like i am dying for your help.
good riddance to bad rubbish in fact.
maybe if you were to help,
you'd just drag the whole damn process down
and in the blink of an eye,
the whole thing is over.

screw you both man.
eww no, no screw.
shit you both deep deep.

scared scared scared.

monday- programmer meeting till 1am plus
tuesday- xphy event briefing till 1am plus too
wednesday- xphy dry run briefing till 1am plus.
thursday- maundy thurs visiting till 12am plus
friday- good friday passion play
saturday- easter vigil mass till 12am
sunday- xphy dryrun whole day

God grant me strength!!!
anberlin is my friend.

talk about retro (:



i'm the one who wants to be with you

this songs is really upbeat.
something i need now.
because there are a lot of mixed emotions.
haha just wondering.
is there a
He takes me high? ;D

different. so different.
it all felt strangely different.
haha

yea i'm fine. what's a little setback.
not like i'm the only one in the world facing it.
no doubt some will progress faster than me,
but its just part of life i guess.
thanks for all your concern and prayers.
i was at first disillusioned.
and i seriously wanted to scream at that guy.
but of course i didnt.
dont know what to say now.
urgh.

nights are ironically the best and worst time to do things.
it is pin drop silent, without any
annoying brothers to irritate the
trying-to-be-hardworking me.
looking forward to the thought of being able to sleep peacefully without
being worried that an assignment is left undone.
yet it also makes me think of the nostalgic past.
haha dont know what suddenly came to me,
thoughts kept rushing through my mind,
as i recollect tiny bits of detail that i still remember,
that happened not too long ago.
and of course,
not to mention thoughts of the TP on thursday also makes me
shudder, just thinking of the tester's face.. :s
just thank God that an assignment is done,
and now with two more test for the week,
plus one resume assignment, and i am
so done!

i am getting old before i really wanna even admit it
:/
kana made fun off by mark and gareth about my compaq laptop.

mark: now compaq laptops all got the big Q as the logo, yours still using the traditional "compaq" logo ah. HAHAHA
me: its still functioning well okay! dont discriminate!
mark: is it windows 98
-glances at the screen-
mark: WAH. using Vista ah. aiseh, so ancient, i still thought 98 leh
me: idiot!!!

i still took heart to know that despite the age of the laptop,
it was still within its functional means.
hence i DENOUNCED their valueless comments.
lol.

rachel came over for a short while to chill,
and the moment she touched my phone,
it blanked out.

rachel: ro! what happen? did i jinx your phone?
me: i think you did leh. HA.
rachel: wahlao where got so qiao!
me: shit, i think i dropped it during church meeting just now! lcd screen cui alr!
rachel: haha please, get a new phone and stop using this lao pok one!

what she says is true even though my nokia hols sentimental value
with me these TWO years!!!
sighs.
this is too sudden an influx of techonological crises for me to bear.
might take a toll on my pocket too.
not to mention i'm not the only child my parents are providing for.
BUT BUT BUT
thankfully my sister's willing to let me have a phone with the upgrade of her plan.
:D great sister!
woohoo thank god!

i'm loving the chinese new year holidays and i dont wish for school to resume!
i want longer breaks!!!
i love the thought of collecting angpows and
eating like there's no tomorrow.
funny thing, i love running after eating a lot too.
cant wait to stay fit after this sinful season.
haha! the irony of it all.
now now.
how to tell my mother i lost my specs!?!?!

so fast.
tmr is cny eve.
yet another year has passed.
what have i been doing the whole year?
doesnt seem like the beginning of the year.
the beginning for me somewhat started during july or august.
it must be the uni system,
weird time to start school.
but heard news that for my year 2,
school starts only on 30aug,
which means we have 4 solid months of holidays!
which means no slack,
but hard work man.
cannot waste time.
must prove my capability!
quite a lot of free time because
you're going for your internship.
but time will pass very fast yeaa!

keeping in mind that its the NEW year,
there are somethings that i need to do:
EAT MORE. hahaha i'm serious.
save more. cos my atm machine needs to breathe at time too.
talk more. firmly believe that class part is so crucial to score!
exercise more. cannot get complacent thinking that i am SO okayy, when i'm not.
pray more. because conversation with god is most effective of them all.
then there's also things to do less of, how could i forget.
EAT less. junk food la, what you thinking. i not anorexic pls.
pms less. cos you really dont deserve such shit, reallyyyyy.
facebook less. cos this evil crap is truly trashy.
bitch less. i'm not an angel myself to begin with. i know right.

the list can go on.
but i'm so sleepy i cant remember.
did i mention i lost my specs again.
on the train. damn it.
who is that arsehole who'd wanna take my weird-combi-of-degrees specs?
get a life please?

STUPIDiot

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will you bring a better future than I had in the past
oh cause, I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don't wanna fall back on my face again

this whole week has been whoa!
and seems like so fast since newyear past.
cant believe we're venturing into week 3 already.
life's been pretty sweet to me,
fall short of a few hiccups here and there.

tutorial classes and presentation dates have been set,
and so have the examinations in april.
haha yesyes, there goes my birthday.
i like my tutorial groups a lot.
different people in different groups,
but the atmosphere is very different from first sem,
when i knew not a single soul,
and introduction starts off with pindrop silence.
now everyone knows everybody and its a nice feeling.

as much as i know exams should be number1,
there are also other important things i rank far above studies.
namely
nyc2010! xphysique 2010! sports camp 2010!
the one i'm most lagging in is probably xphy,
but i guess slowly but surely it will come,
and go go go!
hahahah that's what i look forward to.
sports camp is another big hurdle that i need to cross.
challeging woo.

can so totally envisioning myself pledge off sports club and declare defunct
in the next ay.
free from all the meetings and discussions.
and more so,
being able to go home everyday after school
(hopefully can organize three day week)
and not be confined in lonely four (dusty) walls of hall7.
ahh that is freedom.
and when i do want to stay in hall,
squatting in huimin's hall would do just fine? :D

in the meantime,
got to chiong chionggg for this semester and
do whatever i can to pull the GPA up up up!
haha.

Go tell everyone,
the news that God's kingdom has come!

You, doin that thing you do.
Breaking my heart into a million pieces,
like you always do.
And you don't mean to be cruel,
but you never even knew about the heartache,
i've been going through.

everything went smoothly when i stopped eating dark chocolates.
the thought was diminishing, day by day.
but why did you have to buy me a bar of dark chocolate?
got me addicted, all over again.
now i cant stop myself.
what would you do?

publicity for xphy today was alright,
managed to complete everything within two hours.
after which met gareth russell nigel
and walked around applied science school.
IDLING and LEPAKing around.
haha. tp is interesting.
the singer at the gathering point,
sang Thinking of You.
nice song there.
lots of sad hidden meaning.
she must've been through a lot i reckon.

You're like an indian summer
in the middle of a winter.
Like a hard candy
with a surprise centre.
How do i get better once
i've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water,
so the water i will test.

He kissed my lips i taste your mouth,
he pulled me in i was disgusted with myself.

Cause when i'm with him i am thinking of you,
thinking of you, what you would do if
you were the one who was spending the night,
oh i wish that i was looking into your eyes.

You're the best and yes, i do regret
How i could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned.
I touched it, i was burned.
Oh, i think you should know.

Cause when i'm with him i am thinking of you.
Thinking of you, what you would do if
you were the one who was spending the night,
oh i wish that i was looking into your eyes.

Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes,
cause in your eyes i'd like to stay.

give me two weeks.
i will sort out my thinking.
live a better life,
give minimal hurt to people,
study hard and mark up the atrocious gpa.

this heart it beats,
beats for only..

rowena lee is a real bitch.
why must you go for dark chocolates when you know that
they are not healthy.
wake up your idea.
what do you really want.