i just realised how serious things are.
i was not able to even do a simple econs test that was held today in the lecture room.
even when they merely asked for some definitions, i was not able to tell.
i feel unaccomplished, empty and useless.
and my social circle is shrinking.
this is bad, because i'm focusing on the wrong stuff!
ahhh. i keep telling myself
"okay study hard, JC is no bed of roses"
but i'm not doing anything.
oh man.
what is life all about man?
about fretting over FAs and CAs?
and eventually freak out over Mid-year and promos?
i've let go of the past,
and now,
a new set of worries is coming,
creeping behind my back before i even know it.
and i don't think this worrying will end till the day i die.
hurhur.
wad's with this emo talk.
crap.
i'm fine. just that,
this sense of nothingness,
makes me crazy just thinking of it.
my life passes so fast!
but seems like i've done nothing to be proud of.
urgh.
life, bah.

before anything happens, here are a couple of people whom i wanna say big THANKYOU to. and that you are people i treasure in my life, now and always! i don't want to take these people for granted. they might not know it, but they mean something to me. and have played significant roles in my life.

charmaine- for the trust, and also listening to me and all my rantings. t13 would not have been possible for me without you and your presence.

elizabeth- for the cakes, cards, brownies, study sessions, and even just the simple morning greetings, i cannot thank you enough. wad would i do without you?!

yixin- for all the laughters and the joys you've brought to my life since day one of me knowing you, you never fail to put a smile on my face, dar dar number2!

brenda- thanks father for being with me all this time, and teaching me an important lesson, which i will remember for life.

aggie- rekindling our friendship, and friends for many years to come, thanks for the jokes and laughters which i don't always get.

aaron- for being available whenever i ask you, the study sessions that sometimes end up unproductive, and listening to all my nonsense. thangg yew.

athena- for coming to cjc, though i don't show it, you presence means a lot to me here in cj and i mean it!

christianna- for staying on in cj, my fitness partner, friend, and confidante! thanks for the trust and the openness, one that i admire.

nicolette- for always being there for me, even in times i least expect. for the listening ear that is always there, many thanks.

once again, got scolded by my father because i reached home at 4.45 instead of 4.30, which i told him.
and he is making a ginormous fuss about it.
i'm actually rather immune to his constant reprimands.
i don't give a damn anymore.
all my replies are monotonous,
and i just feel that talking to him is an utter waste of my time.
whenever i talk to him,
it's always just asking him for permission to go out,
and nothing more.
talking to him about other subjects would be unnecessary to avoid excess of questioning.
screw it, he is getting annoying.
tomorrow is school again.
i guess i'll have to drag myself there..?
i don't know.
thanks huimin, i'll try to
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE.

AND
just want those ppl who know about wad i went through first 3 months,
that i've moved on with life,
and i'm over it.
REALLY.
=))
it isn't everything.
and we are all good friends now.
haha. i'm speaking nothing but the truth.
so ppl,
pls don't think that i'm still brooding over it. =D

the thing now is,
jc life seems so boring,
dull and mundane.
nothing to look forward to.
PLUS,
a lifeless cca.
thanks.
that's the ultimate combo luhh.
HURHUR.
but ohwell.
now, every friday,
i'll be doing cip at studio apartments in tampines,
at least something meaningful in my life.
that would help for nyaa too!
yay.
okay..

friend: oh so you're in CJC now.?
me: yeap!
friend: that's good. are you enjoying yourself there?
me: yeap!
friend: good.! so wad is your cca?
me: errrr...
LONG LONG LONG (TEN MILLION YEARS) PAUSE...
me: fitness club.
friend: huh? isn't that taf club???
me: no luhh!
friend: then??
me: it's working out at the gym la.
friend: ohhh. why so slack? i thought u sec sch np one?
me: ai ya, jc now only 2 years, wanna focus on studies la.
friend: but won't fitness club appear slack for your jc testimonial?
me: ai ya, nobody cares about testimonial la. see sec4 testimonial, so damn suck la.
friend: quite true.


that is the typical convo i go through every single time someone asks about my cca.
and today is friday.
usually for fridays, i NEVER reach home before 7pm.
since sec1, it's been 7.30.
and it'll be a shagged and exhausted rowena.
even for first three months,
canoeing did not spare me with their weekly macritchie training.
and now?
fitness club ends promptly at five every wednesday,
and there's not training on friday!
ha, a STARK contrast from secondary school.
i cant help but feel so useless.
when i see my other friends who used to join library and media in sec sch and are now in odac, or track, or canoeing in their JCs, i cant help but feel so inferior and unaccomplished.
and yet i'm not willing to fork out my time and sacrifice for a better cca.
i contemplated canoe and odac,
but seeing my friends, i back out.
i feel so ashamed that the reason i back out is because i don't want to go through the torture and the ardous long training hours.
and i think to myself.
is this wad npcc has taught me? to slack?
no, definitely not.
it's me, my own part.
i suddenly have the urge to just FLY past my jc years away.
but running away from reality isn't going to solve anything man.
a good friend has been telling me to take heart.
and create the best situation out of everything.
since i am now in fitness,
be the best that i can be.
you might think it's funny,
but i've thought of striving hard,
and being fitness club president.
okay okay,
laugh as you might wish.
but i hope i achieve and accomplish at least something which i can look back twenty years from now and feel proud and honourable about.
this plus nyaa,
(i'm trying for nyaa gold)
i earnestly hope it reflects well for my portfolio.
of course,
the ultimate reason i chose a slack cca was because i wanted to focus on studies.
to concentrate and not get distracted.
ace my A levels. (ha. i wish)
and go to SMU.
yay!
but for now,
i shall focus on short-sighted goals.

NAPFA is coming up and i'm working on it.
i cling onto high hopes for my 2.4km run.
For standing broad jump,
i jus pray HARD for > 169cm.
for the past few years have been getting 15mins for 2.4.
recent pb, 12.34min.
damn happy and surprised.
i'll continue to work hard.
run with the sun!
heh.

today, i finally have sometime to blog, and am in the mood to blog.
ha.
pass few days have been not hectic, but badly organised i guess.
and not everything has been running smoothly i must say.

last week was birthday, not the best.
but i must say a BIG thankyou to the special few who made it a pleasant one.
charmaine ezra aaron nicolette yinting laodie eliz.
thanks for the time at oishi. =)
and the rest who contributed to the pencil case, sorry i don't know who are all the people.
but if you know you're one of them,
this thankyou is for you.
and the many birthday wishes, many were unexpected and surprising. :)

then saturday went study at macs, was un/productive aye i must say.
hahaha.
study was followed by easter vigil at cathedral (of the Good Sherperd), not St Andrew's.
yeap.
only two hours. the ambience was nice.

sunday was easter sunday. and was a total wreck for me.
morning read for 730 mass,
then helped at the easter carnival.
after which i went to angmokio
and my father called me to ask me where i was.
when i told him i was at amk going to study with my friends,
he was like WAD.
and he scolded me through the phone when i was in church.
and i felt damn bad
cos i felt like swearing at him,
when i was in church,
attending mass.
i mean,
i'm going out to study luhh,
not play, why must you make such an effing big fuss about it?
and when i ask him why? he said : "I WANT TO SEE WHERE THE HEAVEN YOU CAN STUDY AT ANGMOKIO"
and i'm like "angmokio so big, sure can study one luhh, you think wad?"
but i obviously did not say that.
i don't know wad is his problem.
I AM GOING TO STUDY, NOT PLAY! WHY ARE YOU KICKING SUCH A BIG FUSS?
and if the issue is about spending time with the family on the weekend,
i'm sorry.
but wad do we do during the weekend all the time?
stay at home.
and wad does my father do?
work on his effing computer all day long.
sorry for using vulgarities.
i know it's wrong.
but this time,
i really think that i am NOT in the wrong and sometimes,
i think my father should just ask HIMSELF whether the problem lies with him instead of others around him.
BUT.
alas,
i will say nothing against him to rebuke him,
because of my father's sensitivity,
he has issues about everything and anything i do,
hence the best thing to do,
the BEST thing, i say,
is to just shut up and abide by his every order.
this is the sole way i can survive.
and thanks to him.
he just installed some effed-up parental control shit thing in the computer which will immediately log off at 10pm sharp.
so people, in future,
when talking to me on msn or anything,
if i suddenly don't reply you or smth at ten pm,
kindly pardon me,
or should i say, my father,
for causing the inconvenience.
yes.
FINALLY,
i wanna say a big thankyou to Br Paul.
for having the wondrous parent teacher meeting,
and enlightnening my father to keep a stricter eye on me,
and watch on my every move since then.
it is really appreciated.
life really sucks now, credits to him.

today i heave a sigh of relief.
gone through three tests.
functions test was okay because kind ms chia allowed pair work for the test.
ha! first time eh.
econs is a goner, believe me.
thankyou to ms ho.
chemistry was more manageable than the one during first intake.
but there were still some blanks here and there =x
ohwell, tried my best and that's wad's most impt.
afterwhich went to the library to study.
ahh, a productive hour.

all in all,
my life sucks now.
anyone who can help?