To be a better person

It's been such a blessed year. 

Granted with such abundant goodness showered upon me.

When admittedly, many times i think i am not worthy.

And for this birthday that's past,

it's been once again one of gratefulness and awe -

at how i've been so kindly given what sometimes i think i dont deserve.

Friends.

Food. 

Laughter.

Ministry.

Gifts.

Today when you gave me that gift,

one word struck me - Grace.

It's something that has been given to me so freely,

and one that i sometimes hesitate to give even a little away.

Though initially i need to admit that the feeling was bad because the sense of priority wasnt there?

But then later i also do realise - how much more I have than what i deserve.

And how many times you have already given, and so what's this once when you just want to take (a break)?

I'm not sure if i'm being demanding.

Yes there are times when I lament that you're always tired when you meet me.

But out of it, what i want is not for you to grow to deceive me with a brightly lit face whenever i glance in your direction, and return to your lifeless face when i turn elsewhere.

What i really want is to know - why you're always tired,

any way i can alleviate this fatigue,

or work around it such that we arrive to a mutual agreement on how to handle it.

And not you giving in to me perpetually.

It's really nice and sweet,

but how long can you be this nice and sweet?

You are human, i remember.

As things progressed in the night,

the notion of genuineness, realness, authenticity and of course sincerity

kept resounding in my mind.

What is genuine? 

What is real?

What is authentic?

What is sincere?

Who are? 

This cynicism loomed gradually.

I remembered it wasnt suddenly,

but very much so sporadically.

Then it would cease when I reminded myself to be a better person,

and dump those venomous thoughts away.

It's unfair afterall,

to those who make the efforts and really want to do it.

Dilemma: crowd followers or firm-headed individuals.

Both i love.

After all, i dont love one.

I love all.

How then? Slowly take it i guess, where no one is really in control, 

and things many a times happen simply beacause the dynamics of the group is just, so. 

Then there's this idea of,

how to fit in the culture of a group as well.

If totally fish out of water, that is. 

How? Challenging it is.

Though for sure people have done it before and many have succeeded.