I am sorry. You really, deserve nothing but the best. It's not me.

I don't really know why and how things turned out the way they have, but I want to thank you for being so very patient and enduring this whole time. It is an ordeal I know, to be going through something so tough and not knowing the reason behind it. I'm confused too. I hate myself for hurting you. You deserve so much better you know. I think about it all the time. But I just don't know the right things to say, to sound right. What's right, anyway.

Hello. How are you doing? I'm really fine thank you.

i stare up at the stars
looking for an answer.
but they just look back at me
shining at me in ignorance.
i need to find it back.

did it just rain?
i cant even feel it anymore.
chocolate cake or lemon cake?
haha okay. random.

temptation..
i am slacking too much..
rowena..
you need to study
study
study
study
roarr. i feel so numb. i dont want to study anymore.
but i still have five days and three years.
how how how.
strange, but true.

thinking bout you
thinking bout me
thinking bout us
what we gonna be
open my eyes
it was only just a dream

so i drive on back
down that road
will you come back
no one knows
i realize
it was only just a dream

brain is fried from reading durkheim.
will try to manage my time properly though.
i want to make this exam one with changed mindset.
i want to do it with a purpose.
for the people around me with so much hope.
my parents and grandparents.
they are people i have taken for granted for far too long.
its now time to pay back,
what i can do for them.

want to thank God for yesterday..

letting the timeline for everything planned flow so smoothly.
finding such an ideal box to store the presents.
making the weather so awesomely fine and nearly flawless!
placing such an fantastiv museum next to a fine eatery.
for the lovely riverside view and breeze.
the sun that gave us a little tan.
delectable food that filled us to the brim!
delicious cake made by the awesome!
grrrreat staff staff service through out!
letting us make it for the movie in good time.
lovely stroll down orchard road in bright shining lights!
adorable escort send me home.

thank God, what more can i ask for? (:

THANK YOU FATHER.
THANK YOU JESUS.
THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT.
THANK YOU MOTHER MARY.

when those trials come, my human nature
shouts the things to do.
and God's soft prompting can be
easily ignored.

i see where my problem lies now.
those weeks that i just sweep God under my carpet,
they are hitting back at me now.
what a harsh punishment God,
i feel the pain, dilemma and confusion.
i'm tired of weighing the pros and cons.
why must they come to me all at one go?

the mind plays weird tricks on you.
the devil plants evil thoughts in you.
the body allows sin and temptation to manifest.
i am such a lost child.
just when i thought that all my woes are gone
and life can start afresh,
a new set of problems appear.

time to come away and let God.

To you i come,
before you i stand,
sinful and sorrowful.
Mother of the word incarnate,
despise not my petition.
But in your mercy,
hear and answer me Amen.

Labour of Love

it really is so much easier said than done.
and many times,
the heart is willing but the flesh is weak.
tempting sometimes to just take and take,
and thinking that its okay not to give back,
or give back very minimally.
but like any human being,
there is no free lunch around.
and it sure is ironic isn't it,
that even for something that should come about effortlessly,
has to be laboured for, and earned.

definitely there'll be happy joyous times,
birthday anniversaries and end of examinations.
but who are we to prevent the quarrels disagreements and angst
that come ever so sudden,
like an earthquake that trembles the world.
its not fair that one person always forgives,
when we know that both cant forget.

Contradictory as it may seems,
to me it is always during the celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries
that makes me ponder about the relationships i share with people,
whether my role has been well played, and if i've been a letdown.
the shame which would sink in when the truth that i've been a bad person exposes,
lingers on for days, making me think if i should carry on doing what i do,
and whether my existence was a rational objective one.

i am not perfect
and i have probably more flaws than the hair on my head.
i am human and i fall into wrong sometimes.
but what. is. wrong?
i blurred the lines between right and wrong
little too many times.
i do not know what i should be believing in anymore.
to follow the heart, or the mind?
i really am lost.

did i take on a task which is more overwhelming than i can handle?
have i overestimated myself once again to thinking i can, when i cant?
would i be letting people down in this process,
such that the longer i take to decide, the more people i'll hurt?

i'd rather be selfish,
than heartless.