i just realised how serious things are.
i was not able to even do a simple econs test that was held today in the lecture room.
even when they merely asked for some definitions, i was not able to tell.
i feel unaccomplished, empty and useless.
and my social circle is shrinking.
this is bad, because i'm focusing on the wrong stuff!
ahhh. i keep telling myself
"okay study hard, JC is no bed of roses"
but i'm not doing anything.
oh man.
what is life all about man?
about fretting over FAs and CAs?
and eventually freak out over Mid-year and promos?
i've let go of the past,
and now,
a new set of worries is coming,
creeping behind my back before i even know it.
and i don't think this worrying will end till the day i die.
hurhur.
wad's with this emo talk.
crap.
i'm fine. just that,
this sense of nothingness,
makes me crazy just thinking of it.
my life passes so fast!
but seems like i've done nothing to be proud of.
urgh.
life, bah.

before anything happens, here are a couple of people whom i wanna say big THANKYOU to. and that you are people i treasure in my life, now and always! i don't want to take these people for granted. they might not know it, but they mean something to me. and have played significant roles in my life.

charmaine- for the trust, and also listening to me and all my rantings. t13 would not have been possible for me without you and your presence.

elizabeth- for the cakes, cards, brownies, study sessions, and even just the simple morning greetings, i cannot thank you enough. wad would i do without you?!

yixin- for all the laughters and the joys you've brought to my life since day one of me knowing you, you never fail to put a smile on my face, dar dar number2!

brenda- thanks father for being with me all this time, and teaching me an important lesson, which i will remember for life.

aggie- rekindling our friendship, and friends for many years to come, thanks for the jokes and laughters which i don't always get.

aaron- for being available whenever i ask you, the study sessions that sometimes end up unproductive, and listening to all my nonsense. thangg yew.

athena- for coming to cjc, though i don't show it, you presence means a lot to me here in cj and i mean it!

christianna- for staying on in cj, my fitness partner, friend, and confidante! thanks for the trust and the openness, one that i admire.

nicolette- for always being there for me, even in times i least expect. for the listening ear that is always there, many thanks.

once again, got scolded by my father because i reached home at 4.45 instead of 4.30, which i told him.
and he is making a ginormous fuss about it.
i'm actually rather immune to his constant reprimands.
i don't give a damn anymore.
all my replies are monotonous,
and i just feel that talking to him is an utter waste of my time.
whenever i talk to him,
it's always just asking him for permission to go out,
and nothing more.
talking to him about other subjects would be unnecessary to avoid excess of questioning.
screw it, he is getting annoying.
tomorrow is school again.
i guess i'll have to drag myself there..?
i don't know.
thanks huimin, i'll try to
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE.

AND
just want those ppl who know about wad i went through first 3 months,
that i've moved on with life,
and i'm over it.
REALLY.
=))
it isn't everything.
and we are all good friends now.
haha. i'm speaking nothing but the truth.
so ppl,
pls don't think that i'm still brooding over it. =D

the thing now is,
jc life seems so boring,
dull and mundane.
nothing to look forward to.
PLUS,
a lifeless cca.
thanks.
that's the ultimate combo luhh.
HURHUR.
but ohwell.
now, every friday,
i'll be doing cip at studio apartments in tampines,
at least something meaningful in my life.
that would help for nyaa too!
yay.
okay..

friend: oh so you're in CJC now.?
me: yeap!
friend: that's good. are you enjoying yourself there?
me: yeap!
friend: good.! so wad is your cca?
me: errrr...
LONG LONG LONG (TEN MILLION YEARS) PAUSE...
me: fitness club.
friend: huh? isn't that taf club???
me: no luhh!
friend: then??
me: it's working out at the gym la.
friend: ohhh. why so slack? i thought u sec sch np one?
me: ai ya, jc now only 2 years, wanna focus on studies la.
friend: but won't fitness club appear slack for your jc testimonial?
me: ai ya, nobody cares about testimonial la. see sec4 testimonial, so damn suck la.
friend: quite true.


that is the typical convo i go through every single time someone asks about my cca.
and today is friday.
usually for fridays, i NEVER reach home before 7pm.
since sec1, it's been 7.30.
and it'll be a shagged and exhausted rowena.
even for first three months,
canoeing did not spare me with their weekly macritchie training.
and now?
fitness club ends promptly at five every wednesday,
and there's not training on friday!
ha, a STARK contrast from secondary school.
i cant help but feel so useless.
when i see my other friends who used to join library and media in sec sch and are now in odac, or track, or canoeing in their JCs, i cant help but feel so inferior and unaccomplished.
and yet i'm not willing to fork out my time and sacrifice for a better cca.
i contemplated canoe and odac,
but seeing my friends, i back out.
i feel so ashamed that the reason i back out is because i don't want to go through the torture and the ardous long training hours.
and i think to myself.
is this wad npcc has taught me? to slack?
no, definitely not.
it's me, my own part.
i suddenly have the urge to just FLY past my jc years away.
but running away from reality isn't going to solve anything man.
a good friend has been telling me to take heart.
and create the best situation out of everything.
since i am now in fitness,
be the best that i can be.
you might think it's funny,
but i've thought of striving hard,
and being fitness club president.
okay okay,
laugh as you might wish.
but i hope i achieve and accomplish at least something which i can look back twenty years from now and feel proud and honourable about.
this plus nyaa,
(i'm trying for nyaa gold)
i earnestly hope it reflects well for my portfolio.
of course,
the ultimate reason i chose a slack cca was because i wanted to focus on studies.
to concentrate and not get distracted.
ace my A levels. (ha. i wish)
and go to SMU.
yay!
but for now,
i shall focus on short-sighted goals.

NAPFA is coming up and i'm working on it.
i cling onto high hopes for my 2.4km run.
For standing broad jump,
i jus pray HARD for > 169cm.
for the past few years have been getting 15mins for 2.4.
recent pb, 12.34min.
damn happy and surprised.
i'll continue to work hard.
run with the sun!
heh.

today, i finally have sometime to blog, and am in the mood to blog.
ha.
pass few days have been not hectic, but badly organised i guess.
and not everything has been running smoothly i must say.

last week was birthday, not the best.
but i must say a BIG thankyou to the special few who made it a pleasant one.
charmaine ezra aaron nicolette yinting laodie eliz.
thanks for the time at oishi. =)
and the rest who contributed to the pencil case, sorry i don't know who are all the people.
but if you know you're one of them,
this thankyou is for you.
and the many birthday wishes, many were unexpected and surprising. :)

then saturday went study at macs, was un/productive aye i must say.
hahaha.
study was followed by easter vigil at cathedral (of the Good Sherperd), not St Andrew's.
yeap.
only two hours. the ambience was nice.

sunday was easter sunday. and was a total wreck for me.
morning read for 730 mass,
then helped at the easter carnival.
after which i went to angmokio
and my father called me to ask me where i was.
when i told him i was at amk going to study with my friends,
he was like WAD.
and he scolded me through the phone when i was in church.
and i felt damn bad
cos i felt like swearing at him,
when i was in church,
attending mass.
i mean,
i'm going out to study luhh,
not play, why must you make such an effing big fuss about it?
and when i ask him why? he said : "I WANT TO SEE WHERE THE HEAVEN YOU CAN STUDY AT ANGMOKIO"
and i'm like "angmokio so big, sure can study one luhh, you think wad?"
but i obviously did not say that.
i don't know wad is his problem.
I AM GOING TO STUDY, NOT PLAY! WHY ARE YOU KICKING SUCH A BIG FUSS?
and if the issue is about spending time with the family on the weekend,
i'm sorry.
but wad do we do during the weekend all the time?
stay at home.
and wad does my father do?
work on his effing computer all day long.
sorry for using vulgarities.
i know it's wrong.
but this time,
i really think that i am NOT in the wrong and sometimes,
i think my father should just ask HIMSELF whether the problem lies with him instead of others around him.
BUT.
alas,
i will say nothing against him to rebuke him,
because of my father's sensitivity,
he has issues about everything and anything i do,
hence the best thing to do,
the BEST thing, i say,
is to just shut up and abide by his every order.
this is the sole way i can survive.
and thanks to him.
he just installed some effed-up parental control shit thing in the computer which will immediately log off at 10pm sharp.
so people, in future,
when talking to me on msn or anything,
if i suddenly don't reply you or smth at ten pm,
kindly pardon me,
or should i say, my father,
for causing the inconvenience.
yes.
FINALLY,
i wanna say a big thankyou to Br Paul.
for having the wondrous parent teacher meeting,
and enlightnening my father to keep a stricter eye on me,
and watch on my every move since then.
it is really appreciated.
life really sucks now, credits to him.

today i heave a sigh of relief.
gone through three tests.
functions test was okay because kind ms chia allowed pair work for the test.
ha! first time eh.
econs is a goner, believe me.
thankyou to ms ho.
chemistry was more manageable than the one during first intake.
but there were still some blanks here and there =x
ohwell, tried my best and that's wad's most impt.
afterwhich went to the library to study.
ahh, a productive hour.

all in all,
my life sucks now.
anyone who can help?

to the left
to the left

to the left
to the left

mmmm..to the left
to the left
Everthing you own in the box to the left
In the closet, that's my stuff-
Yes, if i bought then please don't touch(dont touch)

And keep talkin that mess thats fine,
but could you walk and talk at the same time-
And, its my name thats on that jag. so go move
your bags let me call you a cab

Standin in the front yard tellin me how i'm such a [fool]
talkin bout, ill never ever find a man like you,
You got me twisted

You must not know bout me
You must not know bout me
i could have another you in a minute,
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby

You must not know bout me
You must not know bout me
i could have another you by tomorrow
so dont you ever for a second get to thinkin,
your irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone, call up that chick,
and see if shes home
oops, i bet you thought, that i didnt know,
what did you think, i was puttin you out for...
because you was untrue, rollin her around in the
car that i bought you
baby drop them keys...hurry up before your taxi leaves

standin in the front yard tellin me how im such a [fool]
talkin bout, ill never ever find a man like you,
you got me twisted

you must not know bout me
you must not know bout me
i could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby

you must not know bout me
you must not know bout me
i could have another you by tomorrow
so dont you ever for a second get to thinkin,
your irreplaceable

so since im not your everything,
how bout i'll be nothing, nothing at all to you
baby i wont shed a tear for you (i wont shed a tear)
i wont lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the left
to the left

to the left
to the left

mmmm...to the left
to the left ,everything you own in the box to the left

to the left
to the left

dont you ever for a second get to thinkin...
your irreplaceable

you must no know bout me
you must not know bout me
i could have another you in a minute matter fact,
hell be here in a minute, BABY!!!!

you must not know bout me
you must not know bout me
i could have another you by tomorrow
so dont you ever for a second get to

you must not know bout me
you must not know bout me
i could have a nother you in a minute,
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute
you can pack all yo bags we finsihed,
Cause yo made your bed now lay in it
i could have another you by tomorrow
so dont you ever for a second get to thinkin
your irreplaceable....

yay yay yay!!!
i've been granted a place in fitness!
ahh!
two solid years of pure hardcore, happiness.
~bliss.
haha

well, after much pleading and begging to the fitness club teacher,
i think i'm 85percent in fitness.
where did the remaining 15percent go to?
5percent because i didnt join fitness club in first intake,
5percent because i didnt go for fitness club on second intake cca orientation,
last 5percent because i didnt bring pe attire for second fitness club training day.
but the teacher in charge is a nice soul,
and i pray,
-fingers crossed-
that she allows me and christianna to be in fitness club!
yes yes yes!
my new cca partner! christianna!
she's my neighbour too! in t35.

so far, wearing cjc uniform is good.
i am filled with so much pride wearing the uniform.
i really love the school, it's much better than four years
hanging my head low, putting on that sjc badge.
but all in all,
i love IJ..
it is my life,
i love all except the sjc part.
cj had spotcheck on friday cos vp said he saw many short skirts and too long pants.
haha,
i escaped! shocking.
if it was spotcheck in sjc,
i would have gotten a bad record already,
cj rocks la.
hahahaha. yay!

today is awards ceremony.
yes, the letter clearly stated that award receipients were supposed to reach latest by 3.30
and i reached at 3.45
they refused to let me take my award!!!
they cancelled my name out of the powerpoint slide!
ahh!
so pek chek la.
go there for nothing.
oh well.
i crapped a lot with rachel throughout.
and we chiong-ed down for the refreshment!
haha, so much nice food! yay!
i ate like a pig, even more than jac!
yes, that was how much i ate!
wahaha, sorry jac, didn't mean to say you.
anyway,
went to study with chanchan at toa payoh after ac.
was unproductive because i was so distracted with his nonsense and
he kept making fun of me and THANKYOU!
ahh, so irritating, but i'm kinda used to it.

home alone is kinda cool.
=D

this holiday has been a quiet one for me.
but i didn't really study, that's the regretful part.
haha, i slacked throughout!
and i've got a new love! POOL!
yay!!!
well, nothing much in my life.
it's been rather stagnant. and boring.
and i still don't know wad cca to join.
oh man, screwed up.

well well.
sorry for spewing those bad languages in the previous
and hurling those vulgarities.
mood was quite down the past few weeks
but i guess it's better nowadays.
sorry u people.
=)
i love my friends.

eliz sent me some poems.
and i guess this sweet melodious one struck me.
haha, it's emo. please don't laugh at me thank you.

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries
in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love
a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when,
or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: Where “I” does not exist, nor “You”,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda

check out the third stanza.
sounds really cliche.
but. i think.
it's nice.
seriously.
=D

from your eyes i saw tears roll down, and i realised that having a difficult life and crying at times are not all that unpleasant.

this phrase is from goong!
haha.
yea,
i'm at it again!
xD

yesterday we went to bukit timah, beauty world centre
to get school uniforms.
in the end,
they only sold the guys pants there.
trip wasted,
good thing i bought the uniforms in school.
after bukit timah,
me char ezra andre went back to serene centre,
island creamery.
i ate chocolate and brandied cherry icecream!
nice!
after eating icecream,
we took a bus to Holland Village cos andre wanted to eat
katong laksa!
after that,
we went to vivocity to walk.
wanted to go to the playground but it was flooded with kids.
loads of kiddos.
so we jus walked around,
and we went home after that cos char was tired..

these few days have been quite challenging for me.
many new problems surfacing.
problems that i did not expect to come my way this fast.
i foresaw these problems,
but not so soon.
i really have no idea how to solve them
and i know i cant do them on my own,
i'm just going to let time past by.
let the problem slowly subside.
all this issue about trust,
and loyalty.
ended up as all bullshit.
ah.
screw the whole thing.
i don't know what is on her mind.
she is making him go crazy.
and not only him, but them.
and here i am,
standing at one side,
he needs help,
i don' t know how to help.
i myself feel so useless!
wad is this?
haha.
madness.
i hope she grows up.